The Friendly Cat

The cat is good. If we are really nice we could send the cat the present he deserves for Christmas. I have been so nice I might have an explosive conversation with the cat and/or one of his minions. Literally I might be able to blow up the cat beach ball. When he isn't looking I will place some explosive baked goods in his litter box that will kill him when he is least suspecting. 

A day in the life of an agent...

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following is obviously a plot of misinformation being distributed via email forwards from an un named agent of the Groupon cat. Please respond should you crack the code. Perhaps the third letter of every word, just the prepositions, we are unable to crack this Cat code but are scratching away at it feverishly. - TKAMC Team ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Day 983 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.. For now...

Cat's Home Movie discovered at DiscoTec

J. A. Dingleberry, a subscriber of our blog and busboy at Que Lastima, a local discoTec in East Katmandu, discovered this video in the clubs dumpster on the evening of the 21st.

It is imperative we slink out this crafty cat before its too late. Discounts and coupons are the cats game although it appears he is now seeking out the assistance of the good people at the youtube to pedal his agenda of Kohls coupons, naps, and disenfranchised participation in yarn related games of follow the string, etc...

Some people might not know this... but there are organizations like ourselves who are out to find out the truth about Cats. The Cat as we know him peddles coupons like a man selling bottled water outside the State Fair i.e. lies, deception, and false advertising.

Although this organizations targets all cats, we may want to take a page out of their play book in our own quest for truth, knowledge, a nine dollar hair cut, and THE CAT...

If we only knew what really happened here...

http://www.startribune.com/nation/100332034.html?elr=KArks:DCiU1OiP:DiiUiacyKU7DYaGEP7vDEh7P:DiUX

Ho Ho Horrible

The Cat has sunk to a new low to gain access to the homes of innocent humans so he can litter their kitchens with coupons. Our super secret spies have taken these photos of The Cat and his most trusted Sargent Cat trying on their newest disguises. Our trusted agents have discovered that The Cat's next plan is dress as the beloved Kris Kringle to enter human homes during the darkest hours of the night so that he may leave tempting coupons in their stockings; whether those stockings are hung by the chimney with care or strewn about the floor.

 

Please be careful while putting on your stockings, our dear followers, as we do not want you to get paper cuts on your toes from these dastardly delightful deals.

Unpleasant Surprise

Imagine my surprise and disgust when I went to drink my two mugs of coffee this morning and discovered not only had I been bugged/catted, but that The Cat had ruined my morning joe. I am sure this was some sort of plan to force me into using some sort of coupons to obtain coffee at a local coffee house. Little did The Cat know that I have a reserve of iced coffee drinks in my refrigerator.

Better luck next time, Cat.

Decoy Cat's Have been Deployed

We've been beginning to see what I like to call an "urban sprawl" of decoy cats in the wild. The decoy cats were made by an anonymous company who had been affected negatively by the cats drastically low coupons. Having decoy cats allows this company to collect information directly from the horses (cat's) mouth. Some decoy cats have infiltrated the cat's inner circle posse and have been able to collect vital information from the cat. We can now say with certainty that the cat does not bathe. He/she will sometimes lick itself until it is "clean." Other vital facts include but are not limited to: the cat does not wear pajamas, he/she meows 10-20 times per day, he/she enjoys meow mix but only if a coupon was used to purchase it,  and the cat has been let out of the bag.

The Cat, coupons, and burgers with cheese

The Groupon Cat has been toying with us, bouncing the stick with the feathers and baiting us with outlandish coupons the likes of which could only indicate more tough economic

times. We must be getting close to The Cat, his henchmen, and his handler the Questionable Man...

The above photo was sent by an unidentified sleeper agent in Katmandu to prove to the world that the Cat is still getting after it, hard.

Through our efforts and your continued support we have uncovered the extent of The Cats North American Operations.

The facts:

* The Cat is out of the bag

* The Questionable Man is The Cat's Handler, and possibly a Federal agent

* The Cat has a propensity for: brief naps, licking, pedaling coupons, pooping in the refrigerator, totting firearms, binge drinking, texting in Haiku, oxford commas, and writing training manuals for his henchmen in iambic pentameter.

* We've got what it takes to cook this cats fancy feast and put an end to his tyrannical hold on your spending habits.

Why should you care about what some frenzied feline does with his spare time?

You see friends, The Cat is getting more and more powerful with every coupon and every outlandish statement about $ 4.99 Stir Fry Sudanese and burgers with cheese.

Walk Hard friends, keep those catnip slingshots loaded

~Nefarious Norman

Cat and Questionable Man build Spaceship to torment dogs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--FyndryTFo&feature=channel

Apparently The Cat is now mobile. Crafting a spaceship, likely with the help of his handler the Questionable Man, he is now not only a menace to those of us who do not want his pretend coupons but also to Dogs everywhere.

Watch at your own will.

Godspeed,

~K. Walker

Is The Cat a Fed?

Well the dried up cat turds just hit the fan. The link between "The Cat" and the government just got clearer than a Cat's glass milk bowl. Apparently he appeared in this middle eastern flavored movie as a wise cracking, often napping, FBI agent. Friends... Romans... I have viewed this movie on Hulu everyday at sunset for the last 34 days and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that this Cat character was not playing a role but pulling the wool over our eyes as he in-fact is an FBI agent.

I believe our operations with this blog may be compromised so I will be making my postings far less clear from this point on. No need to be so open, direct, and rational if we've got The Cat, his handler, or feline fanatics reading our posts.

Carry on with caution and with plenty of strings and fluffy balls in your pockets in case confronted by any of the Cat's henchcats.

Cat Going Strong in the Tour De France

Team Groupon has made themselves known this year with rookie Chance Catstrong on the Tour De France. We have reason to believe Catstrong is not his actual name but a cover to hide his true coupon "peddling" ways. Rumors are Catstrong has been using some form of steroid because Groupon has recently sold many coupons offering wildly discounted deals at GNC and Vitamin World. Also, there was a deal at sunglass hut as well as the local Schwinn dealer. Many think the only reason the cat is in the race is to win more coupons from other bikers. Also of note, a man with questionable taste was running along side Catstrong with a waterbottle. We will keep you updated as we hear more information.


Updated: We've been getting a lot of questions about the cat's paws, and how they can't reach the pedals of the bike. As we understand it, the cat was allowed to use a smaller set of pedals found under his seat. At first they were not going to allow this but after some enormous groupons (to blockbuster and Papa Murphy's) showed up in the pockets of the officials, the rules were able to be changed.

Cat Likes to Drink

Everyone has their vices. I just found out the cat's biggest vice. Beer. Ice cold barely legal beer. Last weekend I setup a trap in my basement consisting of a refrigerator with a case of beer placed on the middle shelf. When I heard some commotion going on down there around 2:11 am I quickly got up and ran down the stairs to find this cat passed out from pounding beers. Using handcuffs, I chained him to the pipes for questioning when he sobered up. Waking up around 8 am, I went down to check on him and he had disappeared, leaving nothing but a business card. The business card had only one word on it, Cat.

Well folks, this image proved that beyond a shadow of a slight reasonable doubt that "The Cat" was responsible for the JFK assassination.

Already he/she has been cluttering our inboxes with coupons we don't need or want, now he is behind the most heinous crime of the last century. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that John Wilks Booth had a cat.

If you've ever seen an Oliver Stone picture you know that the someone is up to something somewhere and someone has to be protecting this cat. The Questionable Man is indeed a formatable foe, however, he seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time at fundraisers for various secondary colors and eating all the steaks. This plays right into our hands.

Perhaps we need to fight fire with fire once and for all...

I have enlisted into service the help of a heavy hitter by the name of Cutter Jowls. Jowls recently returned from a recreational journey to Calcutta which ended up as a fight for his life after being shanghaied into indentured servitude in the underground rickshaw runner game.

Needless to say friends, he found his way out of there and somewhere along the line made and lost a small fortune in antique cutlery.

This is just the sort of nefarious character we need on our side. As payment I have promised all the Bacon and Snasages we can find.

Gods speed Cutter Jowls, you'll need it!

Questionable Man Spotted! ... Again!

I recently ran into the questionable man at a benefit for the color purple. There is a possibility he is posing with his questionable son. If that is his son as we suspect, he is making a gang symbol with his right hand. Typically frequent coupon users/sellers will make this symbol to tell other coupon users that they recently used a coupon. We are guessing he used a coupon to enter the benefit for the color purple. If you see any of these men in public, contact us immediately. Do not try to approach them. They are reported to be heavily armed (with coupons) and dangerous. If you find yourself in a store with any of the questionable men, do not purchase anything for full price.

Warning?

It seems as though we may be closer than we think on the trail of the Coupon Cat.

This photo was found by one of our under cover double agents after following a myriad of clues which lead him or her to locker B838 at the local Greyhound bus station. I think it is some sort warning that this Cat is getting mad and he does not want to take it anymore.

Sprinkles Found at Local Park with 22 Million in Coupons

Sprinkles Johnson, a heavy hitter coupon peddler, was found at Grant Park in South Dakota with over 22 Million worth of coupons. I've been working undercover for 18 months trying to catch this cat. When I approached her she used typical coupon peddling conversation starters and asked me if I liked to keep my money. I turned the tables (gun) on her and told her I'd rather take hers. At this point she ran. Luckily the dog SWAT team had assembled for the occasion and they were able to catch Sprinkles effortlessly. Sprinkles now has eight lives. She will be questioned and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

More Recruiting

The Cat has been recruiting more felines to spread the dirty words of coupons. This photo was obtained by a top secret super spy. We have a few eyes on the other side, but not enough to put an end to the coupon madness at this time. And as the Cat is a master of deceit and disguise, we need all the help we can get.

 

As always, please contact us with any hot tips to the Cat or his hench-human's whereabouts.

Foiled by Traditional Road Trip Game

Following a sketchy lead, I tried to question this nefarious character while out and about in the farm fields of MN, however cries of "Jackson 5!" drown out my line of questioning. As I was the last to shout "Jackson 5!",  I was forced to surf on the cow.

 

Needless to say, I did not get my questions answered, nor will I try to talk to a cow again anytime soon. Cows do not speak English, French or Pig Latin, my preferred languages.

Model Cat

According to an undisclosed advertising agency, the cat has hired out cat models for coupon ads. Beware these cats look unusually friendly and will make you believe your life will improve with the power of this cats coupons. Do not buy into this! The coupons will do nothing for you. If you need a coupon to buy something, you probably don't deserve it.

Example of a model cat:

photo courtesy of www.go-cat.co.uk

Cat Found

I saw this cat at a friends house. After a series of questions, I have
determined this cat to not be involved in the coupon scam. She is
however intrigued by laser pens.

Cat Scratch Fever: The Last Stand

Content from the Novel “Cat Scratch Fever: The Last Stand” by author Jim Woods.

Excerpt from Chapter 2 - Heatstroke

Part 2 (if you haven't read part 1 please click here and do so now)

The exit for the motel was nothing like I expected. No signs saying "Clifton Rd Ahead" or "Exit 12." Even the GPS couldn't tell me the exact point at which to turn. I knew something was up when I kept hearing the navigation voice tell me it was recalculating. Slowing down to see if there were any motels nearby, I noticed an old dirt road on my right. I thought to myself, Could this be it? There were no other signs of civilization for as far as I could see. Before I had a chance to continue down the highway, the GPS demanded "Turn right here." I could only see about half a mile down the dirt road before it turned into a forest of trees. There must be a town behind the trees somewhere, I reasoned with myself. Nervously, I took a right onto the dirt road.
As I approached the trees I could feel my gut sinking into my seat. There were shoes hanging from many of the trees. Some girl even had the audacity to throw her bra on one of them. What kind of people would do something like this I kept thinking. The deeper I drove into the forest, the deeper I felt there was no way someone would put a motel out here. Who would actually stay here, I thought. Just as I decided to make U-turn I saw a man waving a flashlight about a mile down. My wife was waking up as I made the decision to continue down the dirt road towards the man.
"Where are we" she moaned as she rubbed her eyes.
"Almost there honey, I'm just going to ask this nice man if he know how much further the motel is." I said confidently.
As I pulled up to the man, I noticed he was a tall well dressed man in a full suit. The suit had some kind of pattern on it but I couldn't quite make out what it was. He had a mildly over-aggressive smile but seemed friendly nonetheless.
"You guys heading to town?" He cheerfully exclaimed.
"We're looking for the Motel 8, do you know how much further it is?" I asked.
"Sure do, just about a mile in the direction you are headed, would you mind giving me a lift?" He asked.
As he spoke I saw something in the corner of my eye. Two small gloomy beady eyes in the woods behind the man. Something was not right here, I could't just let this well dressed man hop in next to my kids.
"Sorry, but we don't have any room left in the car, maybe next time" I said as nicely as I could.
"Very well, I suppose I could use the walk, I just don't like being out so late by myself, you never know what you might find in these here woods." He responded in an insincere tone.
As I started to drive away the man shouted "One more thing! I've got this here coupon for the hotel in town if you desire, should save you 50% off your stay"
I took the coupon and thanked the man as I drove down the road towards the motel.

Part 3 coming soon

DJ Cat-a-Clysm

Breaking news from the Learning Annex... The Cat was spotted at local rec center learning how to wipe and slide on the turntables. Apparently The Cat is now taking an interest in becoming a DJ but for what purpose...? Perhaps the cat will incorporate these skillz in his training and recruitment of Club Catz who just want to groove. We're not talking about R&B here, its just house music but this could still prove to be a difficult hurdle to clear. We are putting out a Neon alert to all parents or relatives for this at risk group.

Suspect #857867

Keep an eye on this one. She likes to harbor cats and Cats. We tried to question her, but could not understand her Catese. If anyone can translate, please contact us.

Cat Scratch Fever: The Last Stand

Content from the Novel “Cat Scratch Fever: The Last Stand” by author Jim Woods.

Excerpt from Chapter 2 - Heatstroke

The third time I encountered the cat was probably the most memorable. It was summertime of 2007; my work had recently forced me to move from Chicago to Dallas. Being from the north, I hadn’t felt this kind of heat since I was stuck in that sauna for - well that’s another story (see chapter 8- Sizzling Coupons), lets just say it was hot. Only given one weeks notice our company was moving everyone down to Texas, finding a place to live was proving to be a challenge. The only place I could find on such short notice was a Motel 8 in a small town 30 miles outside of Dallas. Not being able to see the place, I had to make the reservation to stay there before my drive down. I will forever regret that decision.

The drive was 20 hours. 20 long hours of listening to my wife and children tell me about how much they will miss their home. That I have single handedly destroyed their lives and the lives everyone they knew. I reminded them to keep an open mind, but somehow, deep down even I knew this was a bad idea. It wasn’t all bad though.

We had to drive through Dallas to get to the motel. The city was ablaze. People everywhere, the familiar sound of honking horns and police sirens made us feel at home. The city calmed us. The country did not.

As we drove out of town, our spirits high, there was even talk about how this might not be such a bad thing. “A fresh start for everyone” my wife even said. After about 10 miles from Dallas, the mood started to change. Light posts were appearing less and less. The darkness began to set in. It was late and everyone was tired. The kids had fallen asleep at some point between 10 and 20 miles out of town. I looked over to see my wife’s head nodding back and fourth. She’s next to go I thought to myself. As I turned my head to look back at the road, it happened.

There is nothing that can prepare you for this. It can happen to anyone, and it did to me. Looking back at the road, I saw him. He stood in the middle of the road about 10 feet from the front of my Suburban. I remember seeing the dirt in his fur and the tears in his eyes. Thinking to myself, it’s him or the family. Before I could make a decision he quickly jumped over the car. Or so I thought.

Check back often for the second part of this excerpt.

            

Suspect # 3 Dr Evil and Mr Bigglesworth

While the Questionable Man and his Cat remain our top priority, we try to consider all possibilities. It is possible and probable that Dr Evil and Mr B are impersonating the questionable man and his cat. We need to be sure our #1 suspect is #1 for the right reasons. Dr Evil fits the ideal description of a cat/coupon peddler. 

A quote from Dr Evil's Autobiography : 

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. 

Tubing Cat

One of our volunteer spies trailed the cat to his lake home in northern MN. Looks like the cat took some of his watersport coupons up to the lake for the weekend. He looks far to relaxed for going 85 mph on his new tube. We are hoping to catch the questionable man on a boat as well so we can confirm the relationship. 

Just a quick thanks to the public for filling my mailbox with tips on the whereabouts of this sneaky duo. We have been able to bring much more content to the blog because of you. With so much pressure on the cat and the questionable man, they are sure to crack soon enough!

This video was found in the glove compartment of a known associate of the "questionable man", one Mr. Chuck Noris. Five time runner up in the international martial arts competitions held semi annually in Topeka Kansas... Noris is perhaps the strongest ally The Cat has amassed to date.

This video depicts the cat's dastardly training exercises and 8G mind altering video technology.

Although its not for the faint of heart, it is the real deal I assure you. Brought to you at great risk to life and limb by our very own double agent Nefarious Norman (www.myspace.com/nefariousnorman)

Perhaps this video will allow us to find the critical links or milk drips that will tie the Cat to an actual crime or malfeasance.

Stay thirsty my friends...

~Kordell Walker

On the Run!

Recently spotted, (not sure why it took so long to report it) a cat driving a car. It could only be the Cat's getaway car driver. That is really the only explanation.

It looks like this photo was taken from INSIDE the car. The Cat must have used one of his own coupons to get a discount on a camera phone to taunt us with this image.

If you see this cat, or any other cat for that matter, driving a car, get off the road! Cats are not known for being good drivers.

Another One Bites the Dust

Becky Swanson was last seen on February 16th 2010 using a "coupon" at a wine bar in Miluwakee, WI. It is possible the cat has used coupons and alcohol or coupons for alcohol to persuade her to see the cats perspective. Becky was alway a hard headed woman and probably was not as easy to persuade as the cat originally thought. If you have seen this woman with the questionable man and/or a cat please contact a member of our team. We can't let the cat get away with this.

The Cats Spotted Pajamas

This just in... I ran into this slinky slime ball at Felines Basement trying to buy all the pajamas with a $1 off coupon at participating Churches Chicken outlets.

Needless to say, my suspicions were aroused when he/she began frantically brandishing multiple coupons from its wallet claiming "same as cash" meant "give me my PJs sucka".

So, I tailed him in my Blue Ford Mustang until he pulled into the front yard of a decrepit house. This was not any ordinary house, it actually had an Indian food restaurant in the garage called appropriately "Ga Raj Mahal"

I rolled up my windows and waited in angst for the cat to emerge from its den of deceit and dastardly deviant debauchery; but he never came out.

My suspicions is that he knew somehow that I was tailing him and escaped through a secret tunnel or emergency underground ejection pod.

Recommendations are welcome... Perhaps we need to focus our search on Cat related activities such as passing fake coupons, wearing PJs, being jerks, giving scratches at monster truck rallies, eating at Indian Restaurants and enjoying a nice bowl of warm milk before bedtime.

Questionable Man Spotted!

He was seen boarding an airplane to Cuba. Clearly looking to create a coupon for Cuban Cigars. We all know what this could mean. Lets hope his "business trip" is "unsuccessful".

Cat in My House!

There is a cat in my house. I tried to get a photo of it, to see if anyone could identify it as The Cat, however this non-cat got nosy at the most inopportune moment.

I do not believe it is The Cat we are looking for as its name is Cat, it did not try to sell me any coupons at ridiculously low prices. In fact, it just became disgusted with me when I pretended to want to buy coupons from it and stalked away. Suspect cleared.

Dr Claw Suspect #2

Dr Claw and "Mad Cat" have been suspected for years of various crimes, but never something as low and dirty as coupon peddling. The photo shows Claw and Mad Cat stalking their next victim. We think it could relate to the latest deal: half off water sport rentals. She clearly looks the athletic type and would be easily persuaded by this unusually amazing deal.

We need more evidence on Dr Claw and Mad Cat. If you or anyone you know has seen this woman, Dr Claw, or Mad Cat. Please leave a comment. There could be hundreds of victims just like this one.

Building its following

The Cat's kitten minions are bringing cute duckies on to the side of the coupon. Don't be fooled by their adorable appearance. They are ruthless adversaries of the couponed kind. 

He's been spotted!

Can you identify this building? This is where the handler has recently been seeing, pushing his coupon agenda.

The Cat says...

U R a Contra.

Cat Found!

Could this be our suspect? And is Tyler the handler?

Cat Last Seen Here

Take a look at this website showing where the cat was believed to be hiding out.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_jun2009/SorryAboutTheMess.htm

This is Cat Handler Suspect Number One

The Cat's Minion

Beware.

Dat Cat

One time I was waltzing down a dusty ole road on a sweltering Southern night in Macon Georgia USA, and this cat asked me to come on in his house and get some free coupons that would save up to 90% at Ranham bowling in St. Paul Mn. Well my friends, that is a deal that is literally too good to be true. Ranham costs $2 a game but I figures hey, some day I might only have a handful (or four) wooden nickels and might want to toss a few rocks.

So I went in to the Cat's Old Tymey Lair... Little did I know that it was a bait n switch of classic "The Cat" proportions. Before I knew it I was sweat'n up a storm bust'n up that GD Cats Chiffarobe.

Need I say more?

Also...

The Cat has also been seen rubbing elbows with this nefarious character at fine dining establishments that take coupons.

If spotted, please do not approach them unless outfitted in a suit of armor. They are likely to cut with claws, knives or the sharp edge of a coupon.

Allow Myself to introduce Myself

Let me kick off this blog with a quick "your welcome". We are about to say things that may or may not be socially acceptable to cats. All of us contributers understand that we have, by speaking our minds (about cats and coupons), put our lives in danger. We will continue to search for the cat and his handler in order to bring about the peace necessary to live our lives. If you know anything about the cat (besides his daily clues) please bring it to our attention immediately. The cat has been running wild for almost a year now, and no one has stepped forth to stop him. We on the other hand are committed to bringing down the cat and the coupons he rode in on. So on behalf of all of us here at TKMC, you are welcome.