Job Thief

Not only is the Cat spamming us and our emails and our unlisted mobile device numbers with unwanted 953% off coupons for high class bowling and pizza establishments, he is now stealing jobs from unemployed Americans.

 

The Cat was recently spotted enjoying the cubicle life at an unidentified business. We received this photo of the Cat in an office and can only assume he is trying to send some sort of message about unions. Due to the fact that the Cat is sticking out his Cat tongue, we can draw the conclusion that he is mocking us about stealing a job. Or perhaps the building in which his new office is located has poor heat control and he is panting like the dog that he is.

 

If you notice office supplies at your work locale are being replaced with 67% off coupons and leads for Staples, that you may or may not intend to use, please do not use them. Instead, leave blog comments on the location of your work/office/Staples coupon and we will investigate.

Cat Training Video: WWTCD?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkUYhXBxKu8

This just in from the field office in Constantinople. The latest and perhaps most diabolical of The Cat's training videos has now surfaced apparently showing cats, not walking, but hovering on water.

That's right folks, The Cat is trying to one up none other than JC. This unchecked aggression will not stand. We thought he would stop with that fancy Hat of his making all the messes and never wanting to clean them up, but this time he has gone over the line.

A concerted effort from you, our readership, will be necessary to corral the abominable coupon touting monster we call THE CAT.

Yours,

-TKAMC team

The Friendly Cat

The cat is good. If we are really nice we could send the cat the present he deserves for Christmas. I have been so nice I might have an explosive conversation with the cat and/or one of his minions. Literally I might be able to blow up the cat beach ball. When he isn't looking I will place some explosive baked goods in his litter box that will kill him when he is least suspecting. 

A day in the life of an agent...

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following is obviously a plot of misinformation being distributed via email forwards from an un named agent of the Groupon cat. Please respond should you crack the code. Perhaps the third letter of every word, just the prepositions, we are unable to crack this Cat code but are scratching away at it feverishly. - TKAMC Team ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Day 983 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.. For now...

Cat's Home Movie discovered at DiscoTec

J. A. Dingleberry, a subscriber of our blog and busboy at Que Lastima, a local discoTec in East Katmandu, discovered this video in the clubs dumpster on the evening of the 21st.

It is imperative we slink out this crafty cat before its too late. Discounts and coupons are the cats game although it appears he is now seeking out the assistance of the good people at the youtube to pedal his agenda of Kohls coupons, naps, and disenfranchised participation in yarn related games of follow the string, etc...

Some people might not know this... but there are organizations like ourselves who are out to find out the truth about Cats. The Cat as we know him peddles coupons like a man selling bottled water outside the State Fair i.e. lies, deception, and false advertising.

Although this organizations targets all cats, we may want to take a page out of their play book in our own quest for truth, knowledge, a nine dollar hair cut, and THE CAT...

If we only knew what really happened here...

http://www.startribune.com/nation/100332034.html?elr=KArks:DCiU1OiP:DiiUiacyKU7DYaGEP7vDEh7P:DiUX

Ho Ho Horrible

The Cat has sunk to a new low to gain access to the homes of innocent humans so he can litter their kitchens with coupons. Our super secret spies have taken these photos of The Cat and his most trusted Sargent Cat trying on their newest disguises. Our trusted agents have discovered that The Cat's next plan is dress as the beloved Kris Kringle to enter human homes during the darkest hours of the night so that he may leave tempting coupons in their stockings; whether those stockings are hung by the chimney with care or strewn about the floor.

 

Please be careful while putting on your stockings, our dear followers, as we do not want you to get paper cuts on your toes from these dastardly delightful deals.

Unpleasant Surprise

Imagine my surprise and disgust when I went to drink my two mugs of coffee this morning and discovered not only had I been bugged/catted, but that The Cat had ruined my morning joe. I am sure this was some sort of plan to force me into using some sort of coupons to obtain coffee at a local coffee house. Little did The Cat know that I have a reserve of iced coffee drinks in my refrigerator.

Better luck next time, Cat.

Decoy Cat's Have been Deployed

We've been beginning to see what I like to call an "urban sprawl" of decoy cats in the wild. The decoy cats were made by an anonymous company who had been affected negatively by the cats drastically low coupons. Having decoy cats allows this company to collect information directly from the horses (cat's) mouth. Some decoy cats have infiltrated the cat's inner circle posse and have been able to collect vital information from the cat. We can now say with certainty that the cat does not bathe. He/she will sometimes lick itself until it is "clean." Other vital facts include but are not limited to: the cat does not wear pajamas, he/she meows 10-20 times per day, he/she enjoys meow mix but only if a coupon was used to purchase it,  and the cat has been let out of the bag.

The Cat, coupons, and burgers with cheese

The Groupon Cat has been toying with us, bouncing the stick with the feathers and baiting us with outlandish coupons the likes of which could only indicate more tough economic

times. We must be getting close to The Cat, his henchmen, and his handler the Questionable Man...

The above photo was sent by an unidentified sleeper agent in Katmandu to prove to the world that the Cat is still getting after it, hard.

Through our efforts and your continued support we have uncovered the extent of The Cats North American Operations.

The facts:

* The Cat is out of the bag

* The Questionable Man is The Cat's Handler, and possibly a Federal agent

* The Cat has a propensity for: brief naps, licking, pedaling coupons, pooping in the refrigerator, totting firearms, binge drinking, texting in Haiku, oxford commas, and writing training manuals for his henchmen in iambic pentameter.

* We've got what it takes to cook this cats fancy feast and put an end to his tyrannical hold on your spending habits.

Why should you care about what some frenzied feline does with his spare time?

You see friends, The Cat is getting more and more powerful with every coupon and every outlandish statement about $ 4.99 Stir Fry Sudanese and burgers with cheese.

Walk Hard friends, keep those catnip slingshots loaded

~Nefarious Norman

Cat and Questionable Man build Spaceship to torment dogs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--FyndryTFo&feature=channel

Apparently The Cat is now mobile. Crafting a spaceship, likely with the help of his handler the Questionable Man, he is now not only a menace to those of us who do not want his pretend coupons but also to Dogs everywhere.

Watch at your own will.

Godspeed,

~K. Walker

Is The Cat a Fed?

Well the dried up cat turds just hit the fan. The link between "The Cat" and the government just got clearer than a Cat's glass milk bowl. Apparently he appeared in this middle eastern flavored movie as a wise cracking, often napping, FBI agent. Friends... Romans... I have viewed this movie on Hulu everyday at sunset for the last 34 days and I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that this Cat character was not playing a role but pulling the wool over our eyes as he in-fact is an FBI agent.

I believe our operations with this blog may be compromised so I will be making my postings far less clear from this point on. No need to be so open, direct, and rational if we've got The Cat, his handler, or feline fanatics reading our posts.

Carry on with caution and with plenty of strings and fluffy balls in your pockets in case confronted by any of the Cat's henchcats.

Cat Going Strong in the Tour De France

Team Groupon has made themselves known this year with rookie Chance Catstrong on the Tour De France. We have reason to believe Catstrong is not his actual name but a cover to hide his true coupon "peddling" ways. Rumors are Catstrong has been using some form of steroid because Groupon has recently sold many coupons offering wildly discounted deals at GNC and Vitamin World. Also, there was a deal at sunglass hut as well as the local Schwinn dealer. Many think the only reason the cat is in the race is to win more coupons from other bikers. Also of note, a man with questionable taste was running along side Catstrong with a waterbottle. We will keep you updated as we hear more information.


Updated: We've been getting a lot of questions about the cat's paws, and how they can't reach the pedals of the bike. As we understand it, the cat was allowed to use a smaller set of pedals found under his seat. At first they were not going to allow this but after some enormous groupons (to blockbuster and Papa Murphy's) showed up in the pockets of the officials, the rules were able to be changed.

Cat Likes to Drink

Everyone has their vices. I just found out the cat's biggest vice. Beer. Ice cold barely legal beer. Last weekend I setup a trap in my basement consisting of a refrigerator with a case of beer placed on the middle shelf. When I heard some commotion going on down there around 2:11 am I quickly got up and ran down the stairs to find this cat passed out from pounding beers. Using handcuffs, I chained him to the pipes for questioning when he sobered up. Waking up around 8 am, I went down to check on him and he had disappeared, leaving nothing but a business card. The business card had only one word on it, Cat.

Well folks, this image proved that beyond a shadow of a slight reasonable doubt that "The Cat" was responsible for the JFK assassination.

Already he/she has been cluttering our inboxes with coupons we don't need or want, now he is behind the most heinous crime of the last century. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that John Wilks Booth had a cat.

If you've ever seen an Oliver Stone picture you know that the someone is up to something somewhere and someone has to be protecting this cat. The Questionable Man is indeed a formatable foe, however, he seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time at fundraisers for various secondary colors and eating all the steaks. This plays right into our hands.

Perhaps we need to fight fire with fire once and for all...

I have enlisted into service the help of a heavy hitter by the name of Cutter Jowls. Jowls recently returned from a recreational journey to Calcutta which ended up as a fight for his life after being shanghaied into indentured servitude in the underground rickshaw runner game.

Needless to say friends, he found his way out of there and somewhere along the line made and lost a small fortune in antique cutlery.

This is just the sort of nefarious character we need on our side. As payment I have promised all the Bacon and Snasages we can find.

Gods speed Cutter Jowls, you'll need it!

Questionable Man Spotted! ... Again!

I recently ran into the questionable man at a benefit for the color purple. There is a possibility he is posing with his questionable son. If that is his son as we suspect, he is making a gang symbol with his right hand. Typically frequent coupon users/sellers will make this symbol to tell other coupon users that they recently used a coupon. We are guessing he used a coupon to enter the benefit for the color purple. If you see any of these men in public, contact us immediately. Do not try to approach them. They are reported to be heavily armed (with coupons) and dangerous. If you find yourself in a store with any of the questionable men, do not purchase anything for full price.

Warning?

It seems as though we may be closer than we think on the trail of the Coupon Cat.

This photo was found by one of our under cover double agents after following a myriad of clues which lead him or her to locker B838 at the local Greyhound bus station. I think it is some sort warning that this Cat is getting mad and he does not want to take it anymore.

Sprinkles Found at Local Park with 22 Million in Coupons

Sprinkles Johnson, a heavy hitter coupon peddler, was found at Grant Park in South Dakota with over 22 Million worth of coupons. I've been working undercover for 18 months trying to catch this cat. When I approached her she used typical coupon peddling conversation starters and asked me if I liked to keep my money. I turned the tables (gun) on her and told her I'd rather take hers. At this point she ran. Luckily the dog SWAT team had assembled for the occasion and they were able to catch Sprinkles effortlessly. Sprinkles now has eight lives. She will be questioned and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

More Recruiting

The Cat has been recruiting more felines to spread the dirty words of coupons. This photo was obtained by a top secret super spy. We have a few eyes on the other side, but not enough to put an end to the coupon madness at this time. And as the Cat is a master of deceit and disguise, we need all the help we can get.

 

As always, please contact us with any hot tips to the Cat or his hench-human's whereabouts.