Cat Likes to Drink

Everyone has their vices. I just found out the cat's biggest vice. Beer. Ice cold barely legal beer. Last weekend I setup a trap in my basement consisting of a refrigerator with a case of beer placed on the middle shelf. When I heard some commotion going on down there around 2:11 am I quickly got up and ran down the stairs to find this cat passed out from pounding beers. Using handcuffs, I chained him to the pipes for questioning when he sobered up. Waking up around 8 am, I went down to check on him and he had disappeared, leaving nothing but a business card. The business card had only one word on it, Cat.

Well folks, this image proved that beyond a shadow of a slight reasonable doubt that "The Cat" was responsible for the JFK assassination.

Already he/she has been cluttering our inboxes with coupons we don't need or want, now he is behind the most heinous crime of the last century. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that John Wilks Booth had a cat.

If you've ever seen an Oliver Stone picture you know that the someone is up to something somewhere and someone has to be protecting this cat. The Questionable Man is indeed a formatable foe, however, he seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time at fundraisers for various secondary colors and eating all the steaks. This plays right into our hands.

Perhaps we need to fight fire with fire once and for all...

I have enlisted into service the help of a heavy hitter by the name of Cutter Jowls. Jowls recently returned from a recreational journey to Calcutta which ended up as a fight for his life after being shanghaied into indentured servitude in the underground rickshaw runner game.

Needless to say friends, he found his way out of there and somewhere along the line made and lost a small fortune in antique cutlery.

This is just the sort of nefarious character we need on our side. As payment I have promised all the Bacon and Snasages we can find.

Gods speed Cutter Jowls, you'll need it!

Questionable Man Spotted! ... Again!

I recently ran into the questionable man at a benefit for the color purple. There is a possibility he is posing with his questionable son. If that is his son as we suspect, he is making a gang symbol with his right hand. Typically frequent coupon users/sellers will make this symbol to tell other coupon users that they recently used a coupon. We are guessing he used a coupon to enter the benefit for the color purple. If you see any of these men in public, contact us immediately. Do not try to approach them. They are reported to be heavily armed (with coupons) and dangerous. If you find yourself in a store with any of the questionable men, do not purchase anything for full price.

Warning?

It seems as though we may be closer than we think on the trail of the Coupon Cat.

This photo was found by one of our under cover double agents after following a myriad of clues which lead him or her to locker B838 at the local Greyhound bus station. I think it is some sort warning that this Cat is getting mad and he does not want to take it anymore.

Sprinkles Found at Local Park with 22 Million in Coupons

Sprinkles Johnson, a heavy hitter coupon peddler, was found at Grant Park in South Dakota with over 22 Million worth of coupons. I've been working undercover for 18 months trying to catch this cat. When I approached her she used typical coupon peddling conversation starters and asked me if I liked to keep my money. I turned the tables (gun) on her and told her I'd rather take hers. At this point she ran. Luckily the dog SWAT team had assembled for the occasion and they were able to catch Sprinkles effortlessly. Sprinkles now has eight lives. She will be questioned and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

More Recruiting

The Cat has been recruiting more felines to spread the dirty words of coupons. This photo was obtained by a top secret super spy. We have a few eyes on the other side, but not enough to put an end to the coupon madness at this time. And as the Cat is a master of deceit and disguise, we need all the help we can get.

 

As always, please contact us with any hot tips to the Cat or his hench-human's whereabouts.

Foiled by Traditional Road Trip Game

Following a sketchy lead, I tried to question this nefarious character while out and about in the farm fields of MN, however cries of "Jackson 5!" drown out my line of questioning. As I was the last to shout "Jackson 5!",  I was forced to surf on the cow.

 

Needless to say, I did not get my questions answered, nor will I try to talk to a cow again anytime soon. Cows do not speak English, French or Pig Latin, my preferred languages.

Model Cat

According to an undisclosed advertising agency, the cat has hired out cat models for coupon ads. Beware these cats look unusually friendly and will make you believe your life will improve with the power of this cats coupons. Do not buy into this! The coupons will do nothing for you. If you need a coupon to buy something, you probably don't deserve it.

Example of a model cat:

photo courtesy of www.go-cat.co.uk

Cat Found

I saw this cat at a friends house. After a series of questions, I have
determined this cat to not be involved in the coupon scam. She is
however intrigued by laser pens.

Cat Scratch Fever: The Last Stand

Content from the Novel “Cat Scratch Fever: The Last Stand” by author Jim Woods.

Excerpt from Chapter 2 - Heatstroke

Part 2 (if you haven't read part 1 please click here and do so now)

The exit for the motel was nothing like I expected. No signs saying "Clifton Rd Ahead" or "Exit 12." Even the GPS couldn't tell me the exact point at which to turn. I knew something was up when I kept hearing the navigation voice tell me it was recalculating. Slowing down to see if there were any motels nearby, I noticed an old dirt road on my right. I thought to myself, Could this be it? There were no other signs of civilization for as far as I could see. Before I had a chance to continue down the highway, the GPS demanded "Turn right here." I could only see about half a mile down the dirt road before it turned into a forest of trees. There must be a town behind the trees somewhere, I reasoned with myself. Nervously, I took a right onto the dirt road.
As I approached the trees I could feel my gut sinking into my seat. There were shoes hanging from many of the trees. Some girl even had the audacity to throw her bra on one of them. What kind of people would do something like this I kept thinking. The deeper I drove into the forest, the deeper I felt there was no way someone would put a motel out here. Who would actually stay here, I thought. Just as I decided to make U-turn I saw a man waving a flashlight about a mile down. My wife was waking up as I made the decision to continue down the dirt road towards the man.
"Where are we" she moaned as she rubbed her eyes.
"Almost there honey, I'm just going to ask this nice man if he know how much further the motel is." I said confidently.
As I pulled up to the man, I noticed he was a tall well dressed man in a full suit. The suit had some kind of pattern on it but I couldn't quite make out what it was. He had a mildly over-aggressive smile but seemed friendly nonetheless.
"You guys heading to town?" He cheerfully exclaimed.
"We're looking for the Motel 8, do you know how much further it is?" I asked.
"Sure do, just about a mile in the direction you are headed, would you mind giving me a lift?" He asked.
As he spoke I saw something in the corner of my eye. Two small gloomy beady eyes in the woods behind the man. Something was not right here, I could't just let this well dressed man hop in next to my kids.
"Sorry, but we don't have any room left in the car, maybe next time" I said as nicely as I could.
"Very well, I suppose I could use the walk, I just don't like being out so late by myself, you never know what you might find in these here woods." He responded in an insincere tone.
As I started to drive away the man shouted "One more thing! I've got this here coupon for the hotel in town if you desire, should save you 50% off your stay"
I took the coupon and thanked the man as I drove down the road towards the motel.

Part 3 coming soon

DJ Cat-a-Clysm

Breaking news from the Learning Annex... The Cat was spotted at local rec center learning how to wipe and slide on the turntables. Apparently The Cat is now taking an interest in becoming a DJ but for what purpose...? Perhaps the cat will incorporate these skillz in his training and recruitment of Club Catz who just want to groove. We're not talking about R&B here, its just house music but this could still prove to be a difficult hurdle to clear. We are putting out a Neon alert to all parents or relatives for this at risk group.

Suspect #857867

Keep an eye on this one. She likes to harbor cats and Cats. We tried to question her, but could not understand her Catese. If anyone can translate, please contact us.

Cat Scratch Fever: The Last Stand

Content from the Novel “Cat Scratch Fever: The Last Stand” by author Jim Woods.

Excerpt from Chapter 2 - Heatstroke

The third time I encountered the cat was probably the most memorable. It was summertime of 2007; my work had recently forced me to move from Chicago to Dallas. Being from the north, I hadn’t felt this kind of heat since I was stuck in that sauna for - well that’s another story (see chapter 8- Sizzling Coupons), lets just say it was hot. Only given one weeks notice our company was moving everyone down to Texas, finding a place to live was proving to be a challenge. The only place I could find on such short notice was a Motel 8 in a small town 30 miles outside of Dallas. Not being able to see the place, I had to make the reservation to stay there before my drive down. I will forever regret that decision.

The drive was 20 hours. 20 long hours of listening to my wife and children tell me about how much they will miss their home. That I have single handedly destroyed their lives and the lives everyone they knew. I reminded them to keep an open mind, but somehow, deep down even I knew this was a bad idea. It wasn’t all bad though.

We had to drive through Dallas to get to the motel. The city was ablaze. People everywhere, the familiar sound of honking horns and police sirens made us feel at home. The city calmed us. The country did not.

As we drove out of town, our spirits high, there was even talk about how this might not be such a bad thing. “A fresh start for everyone” my wife even said. After about 10 miles from Dallas, the mood started to change. Light posts were appearing less and less. The darkness began to set in. It was late and everyone was tired. The kids had fallen asleep at some point between 10 and 20 miles out of town. I looked over to see my wife’s head nodding back and fourth. She’s next to go I thought to myself. As I turned my head to look back at the road, it happened.

There is nothing that can prepare you for this. It can happen to anyone, and it did to me. Looking back at the road, I saw him. He stood in the middle of the road about 10 feet from the front of my Suburban. I remember seeing the dirt in his fur and the tears in his eyes. Thinking to myself, it’s him or the family. Before I could make a decision he quickly jumped over the car. Or so I thought.

Check back often for the second part of this excerpt.

            

Suspect # 3 Dr Evil and Mr Bigglesworth

While the Questionable Man and his Cat remain our top priority, we try to consider all possibilities. It is possible and probable that Dr Evil and Mr B are impersonating the questionable man and his cat. We need to be sure our #1 suspect is #1 for the right reasons. Dr Evil fits the ideal description of a cat/coupon peddler. 

A quote from Dr Evil's Autobiography : 

The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it. 

Tubing Cat

One of our volunteer spies trailed the cat to his lake home in northern MN. Looks like the cat took some of his watersport coupons up to the lake for the weekend. He looks far to relaxed for going 85 mph on his new tube. We are hoping to catch the questionable man on a boat as well so we can confirm the relationship. 

Just a quick thanks to the public for filling my mailbox with tips on the whereabouts of this sneaky duo. We have been able to bring much more content to the blog because of you. With so much pressure on the cat and the questionable man, they are sure to crack soon enough!